My biggest regret after becoming disabled

Last year, I was asked to speak to a group of physical therapy students to talk about my life as a person with a disability. I was asked plenty of great questions, but one in particular really caught me off guard.

“What is the biggest regret in your life?”

I was thrown for a loop. It was a question I’ve never been asked before and, to be honest, I never really thought about.

But after doing a quick scrub through my 36-year history in my mind, one theme kept popping up.

“I wish I was more outgoing,” I replied.

Shyness has been an enemy of mine since childhood and I’ve been fighting it ever since. I was always afraid of talking to people, and it was even worse when I became a quadriplegic. Most of my high school days, I kept to myself and didn’t really try to make new friends. Looking back at that time now, I know that I missed so many opportunities.

For me, there were no Friday hangouts, no all-night house parties or dates with that cute girl from English class. Every time I thought about my social life outside of school, logistical questions flooded my mind.

Who would drive me to the party? Who will help me eat? What if my asthma acts up? What if the house doesn’t have a wheelchair ramp?

So many questions with no real answers. So I just avoided them altogether. If I could give any advice to 14-year-old me, it would be to be brave and have the courage to put yourself out there. Trust yourself and the goodness of others.

I’m not a hermit by any stretch of the imagination, but not being more outgoing when I first became a person with a disability will always be my biggest regret. I missed out on so many things because I was afraid. Afraid of what people thought. Afraid of asking others for help. Afraid of things going bad.

I would like to say I’ve fully overcome my fear, but I’m not quite there yet.

There was this girl I’ve had a crush on for a while, and I was finally going to let her know how I felt on Valentine’s Day. But my fear got the best of me. I may never know if she will be a chapter in my love story, but I know she is destined to find the happy ending she’s looking for.

One day I will overcome this fear, and who knows, maybe one day I’ll even take my own advice.

I talk more about my biggest regret in my latest Have A Seat vlog on YouTube. You can watch the video below.

Wheelchair Accessible Chivalry

After reading Shane Burcaw's amazing article on his experience with love and disability, I've decided to share my own thoughts on the subject. 

It's no secret that calling me any kind of expert on relationships couldn't be further from the truth. That being said, dating and girls are never far from my mind. 

Navigating relationships has always been difficult for me, even before I became a quad. Shyness was a big factor, but it was amplified even more once the wheelchair became a part of the equation. Over the years I may have learned how to approach and talk to girls, but being able to translate that into a successful social life was harder to accomplish.

Nowadays, the first thing I think about whenever I see a girl I want to ask out, all I can think about are logistics. 

• How will I get to the date?
• Can she drive me?
• Is she going to be okay feeding me?
• I want to pay for everything, but how do I ask her to take out my wallet?

The list seems to grow longer and longer as I think of all the scenarios and I've officially psyched myself out. Then I think about how I put my best foot forward. I've seen enough romantic comedies to know that manners, sincerity and kindness go a long way. Unfortunately, chivalry in the traditional sense isn't going to cut it for me. 

• How do I hold open the door for her?
• What do I do if she gets cold?
• Would I be able to walk her to her door after the date?

Reading Shane's article answered some of those questions for me. I'm not going to ever be able to be chivalrous in the way I was taught to be, but that doesn't mean I can't be a gentleman in other ways. I also realized that I ultimately just need to be myself and let things fall where they may. 

I applaud Shane and am happy to know that it is possible to find love, disability or not. He's a great role model for anyone with a disability who may be a little wary about jumping into the dating pool. Even if it's in the shallow end for people like me. 

The Girlfriend Experience

I don't know if it was my best friend's wedding or watching Love Actually again for the 34th time, but I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. More specifically, the idea of finding a girlfriend. 

While I have experienced a lot during my past 30 years, one experience that continues to elude me is being in a relationship. Sure, I've hung out with girls, but I have yet to experience my first true date. I don't seem to have a problem spending time with girls, it just never seemed like girls viewed me as boyfriend material. 

Probably the biggest reason why I have yet to go on a date is because I rarely go out. To say that my life to this point has been a little sheltered, would not be a complete lie. Traditionally, someone looking for a date would probably head to a local bar or club. But for me, I can safely count the number of times I've been to a bar on two fingers. And I know that if I ever want to have any semblance of a social life, I need to get out more. As much as the commercials want to make me believe it, the odds of finding my dream girl on the Internet are slim to none. 

But whenever I think about going out, all I can think about are the logistics:

• Who will I get to drive me there?
• Will there be enough room for me to get around the bar?
• Will it be weird if I don't drink?
• How will I approach a girl?
• How am I going to get home?

While spending eight months in the hospital and sitting around a bunch of nurses did help me become more comfortable around women, the thought of going on a date also absolutely terrifies me. I guess I still have a lot to learn. 

I often think about what being in a relationship would be like. And I've seen my fair share of romantic comedies to know that all it takes is one chance and a little courage to make magic happen. I can't tell you how many times I've rehearsed my first date in my head. While I have everything planned out, you never really know how it is going to work out until you do it. 

So as I watch my best friend marry the love of his life, I realize that I shouldn't give up hope for a relationship of my own. Even though I can't hold open a door or pull out a chair. I can still be myself and show girls that gentlemen come in many forms. As long as I'm willing to take a chance and let life happen, who knows, maybe I'll finally get the chance to go on my very first date.