Why my future scares me to death

As we make our way through December and celebrate the holidays, those in the workforce are doing another annual tradition:

Annual reviews.

The year has come to an end and we take stock of our wins and losses over the previous year. But as I begin my look back, it’s my future that is at the front of my mind.

And it’s scaring me to death.

For those who need a refresher, to get through my day-to-day living, I require the assistance of a personal care aide. They assist me with every task I need, from getting up in the morning to going to bed at night, everything I do requires some form of help.

Over the past two decades, my dad has been my primary aide, helping me navigate the day-to-day. Without his help, I don’t know where I would be today.

But next year, he’s approaching his 70th birthday. And as much as I would love to freeze time and have him be my aide forever, it just doesn’t work that way. One day he will no longer have the ability to help me with my needs. And that day seems to be getting closer and closer.

I have only ever known my dad as my personal aide and thinking about needing someone else to take over that responsibility is absolutely frightening. I have heard horror stories from others about bad caregivers and I have been dreading the day when I would have to rely on someone else.

I’m afraid of losing the lifestyle I have grown to love. With my dad’s help and the support of the rest of my family, I have been able to live a very fruitful, enjoyable life and am very grateful for it. I have found my own sense of normalcy, a life with professional success and personal contentment.

But as I grow older, my life seems destined to evolve into something I won’t be able to recognize. I feel like I will need to make sacrifices to my lifestyle simply just to survive.

My fear of the future is a big reason why I try to focus on the here and now, and make the most out of my present. Uncertainty has clouded my future and it’s difficult to see anything familiar. But I am trying to conquer my fear.

Hope has brought me strength as I have navigated life as a quadriplegic, hopefully, it will now shed light on a bright future as well.